This week i’ve been determined to catch up on the BBC documentary that aired on sunday night Diana 7 days. I started to watch it on catch up on sunday evening and just managed to see it through to the end last night (tuesday) …not bad going for me. I know i’m far from being alone in my mild obsession with princess Di and her wonderful two boys. Being the same age as Prince William and having our eldest children almost the same age I’m sure thats enough in common to mean in another life I think we could be great pals, but I digress.
Although I didn’t lose a parent as a child like those two so tragically did, my father died 2 years ago and that kind of grief and loss I now realise is something that stays with you forever. People like to offer up cliche quotes in any attempt to help like “time is a healer” etc etc but you learn if you didn’t already suspect that these things are utter bollox.
There is no healing from something as traumatic as losing someone so unexpectedly and young. You get over the shock and simply adapt, adjust and become familiar with how things change. The sadness and wonder though won’t ever leave, its there beneath the surface of every passing week, month of every year that moves on. I’m not suggesting that it clouds everything (unless you are actually depressed and haven’t sought help) its just that theres always a thought spared good or bad for the fact that that person is no longer here on this planet.
In the case of my sister and I our father was an only child and both our Grandparents turned 90 this year, they long for us to be near so much more now without their only son in the world, but they live a difficult 5 hour at best drive away.
My Grandma has dementia and is declining rapidly which is another factor that adds to the loneliness you feel when a parent dies. Why is he not here, he never had to feel how i feel because he didn’t lose a parent in his lifetime…. just one of the many thoughts of anger and frustration you go through. It sounds a bit selfish perhaps but its just an example of the wonder you feel all the time, what would he say about this and how might he have dealt with that etc etc… and on it goes.
Grief is actually a subject I could talk a lot about and i’m sure it will pop up again… theres many edges to this complex story but I felt I wanted to write tonight as the stories popping back up in our news feeds about Princess Di triggered off some emotions again.
It seems to come in waves when Dad is on my mind, I’ll go weeks with being ok and yea sure I think of him but it won’t make me sad, there’ll be the odd memory of something he’d say or a ref point of the striking resemblance my nephew bears to him, but nothing that stops me in my tracks with sadness. Then all of a sudden there’ll be a bus load of things that just makes it raw. For some reason this week I picked up my phone and it was locked but randomly on the screen ‘dad mobile’ flashed up as if the last number called… I checked the lists to see if my daughter had accidentally called the number.. nothing there. When silly things like this happen i look in my diary and check if theres any co incidence in date etc but there very rarely is. I used to ‘feel’ like he knew that i was thinking of him and there were times I could have sworn he was near, but then one day, the first birthday he wasn’t here It stopped and i never felt it again.
Speaking of birthdays, for mine this year hubby and daughter numero uno bought me an Ancestry DNA kit!!!! something I really wanted to do, and i only just got around to doing it today..(a little over a month later) largely because you have to not eat and drink for a half hour before you spit into a tube and lets face it thats tough going for a breast feeding mama!! food and drink makes up a lot of my thoughts at this time.
The kit is really quick and simple and is set up all ready for you to just follow the spitting instructions, box up and post but theres the registering online part which takes you to your family tree which you fill in. This is something I find hard to do these days, write that my Dad isn’t alive …. a few months ago my eldest daughter asked what my daddy looked like and its those times that hurt me the hardest weirdly.
I think Dad passing is whats made me keen to delve even deeper into my history and doing this test is fascinating. It can take up to 8 weeks for a response but it will be a great day when the results come in, I know more about my maternal heritage being Irish but thats kind of where it ends. Theres all sorts of contrasting physical features that could dictate one thing or another and hubby and I are going to place bets on what the results say.
A friend who did it had hers come back with a precise town in Italy pinpointed, I’d be happy with that as a result!
I think the kit cost around £80 and as I say was really well packaged for ease and speed, don’t know about you but if something seems like a faf i can’t be arsed and it gets left on the growing piles of crap around the house…. so this little box needless to say is waiting on the sideboard all ready to go straight to the post box tomorrow morning….
TBC excited much. … praying for something exotic obvs..