I think this post will be short and not so sweet, i made notes to write this some weeks ago potentially even 16 and it has stayed with me at such a level of importance I don’t even need to read through said notes to jog my memory (which at the moment is saying a lot. A bloody lot, since having baby numero dos the sleep I’m functioning on doesn’t allow for much else aside from the most basic of chores and running of the house/keeping alive a family of 4)
When you’ve had a baby and in my experience is doesn’t matter if its your 1st or 2nd theres something about people coming to your house and making themselves ‘at home’ like they always have done previously that doesn’t sit too well. Theres lots of grey area here though, its not everyone that brings me out in such a rash its just certain people. I find the rule of thumb to be if they’re not your nearest and dearest or people that you feel 100% comfortable and happy with then maybe don’t invite them into your home just after having a baby. I get that sometimes this is unavoidable in our very british often passive aggressive way in which we socialise forward slash allow ourselves ‘friends’ that cause more stress and anxiety than being sat breast feeding just out of reach of the apple tv remote does!….
so the said person in my most recent discomfort happens to be my husbands friend, (i don’t actually own any of those friends that i’ve just described above, i think by the ripe old age of 35 you’ve most likely moved them on to pastures new but I didn’t want to highlight so early on that this is partly my husbands fault in keeping such humans as friends)
Now this guy don’t get me wrong is great in a social scenario in that he’ll chat to anyone, has a lot to say (usually about himself though) and can be very entertaining, as long as you’re not tired. Did i mention the tiredness….?!!?
But there was just something about having him come to visit in the ‘adorable’ spontaneous way in which he tends to, 5 days after I had given birth that just wasn’t on my list of wishes for april 2017.
Theres always that one person who sits in the place you have spent time arranging cushions and placing tables with drinks on at just the right distance etc for the next feed, and for some reason you feel like you can’t or shouldn’t for some reason ask them to move… well this is him.
I ended up so uncomfortable I just went upstairs and continued to seeth that i had done so while telepathically asking him to kindly leave!
The next time he just ‘popped by’ in the area you know … He seemed to leave after a respectable time and in my dismay at this I happened to mention it to my husband who laughed saying he’d pretty much told him it was time to leave as he had pitched up at dinner time, which in case anyone else isn’t aware dinner time rolls into bath and bed and a million stories followed by falling asleep on our eldest childs bedroom floor…. which doesn’t leave a hell of a lot of time for anything else other than if I’m lucky managing to remove my make up and clothes before getting in bed. again i’ll remind you at this point that these little impromptu visits from said person aren’t really on my ‘things i hope happen sporadicly throughout 2017’ list, but what followed on from this enlightenment from my husband is what has really got me and inspired this post.
He said you’re going to laugh he (husbands friend) asked me if I could escape for a beer… Husband apparently laughed and said: not yet. meaning not yet at this point in our lives will i be ‘escaping’ for a beer, which any decent human would have read between the lines to understand seen as we are newly appointed parents of two
Did the friend take it to mean this…OOOOOOHHHH no he simply thought my husband meant not yet as in maybe at about 8.30 (insert crying laughing face x 10)
What i’m obviously stuck on here is the choice of words and action of asking my husband, the other parent of these two girls who in this friends eyes are only an attachment of mine, if he could ESCAPE for a beer. I wish he had had more balls about him to say it in front of me…. that would be an entirely different post all together, but lets not stray from the issue that is the use of that word. implying that my husband would feel the need to ESCAPE his own family, now don’t get me wrong everyone likes their own space from time to time but i’m stuck on it more because its so bloody sexist.
Had anyone come round and asked me if I could escape for a beer? course they fecking hadn’t. wouldn’t be right would it asking a mother if she could escape the madness of her ‘responsibilities’ for a drink at a bar, well heres news for you sunshine it aint ok that you asked the male parent either.
Open letter to friends. (particularly without children…. more directly ones without adequate brain matter…)